Desultory thoughts
by kceniya
Summary: Lorena's POV of her last minutes of un-dead life.


****English is not my first language but I have got a wonderful betafor this story so I hope it is readable now. The original language of this story is Russian.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing TB. All the rights belong to Alan Ball and Charlaine Harris

**Desultory thoughts**

I can feel streams of tears flowing down my face. I'm looking at you, at your delightful half-naked body and I feel lust. It is so strong, that the agonizing pain tormenting all of me from within can not diminish it.

You ask to do it quickly? No, I won't my love. You know me. I never hasten. And how can I hasten with you? We will enjoy all the pleasure of this pain together, you and I.

Whether I want to do this, that is a question isn't it? I don't know. Since that moment you were mine, you ache to be free, to get rid of me. I didn't want it then, now I do. I will give you freedom. And, probably after that, I will also be released from you to recover as if from a long lasting wearisome disease called love.

I don't understand you. I never could. I do not understand why my love was never enough for you. I am all yours. I was, I am and I will always be. But you, you were never mine. I was ready to throw the whole world at your feet, but you didn't need this. I don't understand what you want. What else can I give you except the love with is needless for you, love you have ruthlessly rejected and are still rejecting? Now I know what you want. I will give you freedom, true freedom.

But not at once. First I want to take pleasure in memories. Your body draws me, I'm sinking in the depth of your blue eyes, I'm drinking your suffering and I'm enjoying it. You can't avoid my kisses. Once you willingly answered them, but not now. I am stronger than you, you can't resist me too long. You never could.

I straddle you, my hand setting your body free, your body craving for me no less than mine for yours. It will be our last time; there was nothing like this before and will never be again. We are whole, my blood flows in you. All the blood in you, every single drop is mine. I feel you as none else can ever feel. My Child, my husband, my love...

A sharp knife of blessed pleasure pierces through both of us; our groans, our roar rise up higher than the roof of this dark, dirty place. If heaven does exist angels will hear us.

Your face stiffened in a grimace of despair and profound contempt. Is it disgust? Oh no, it is not. You can't deceive me, you never could. It was no less pleasant for you than for me. Why would I care for your strangeness that you call conscience? Betrayal? A mortal one? It is ridiculous.

I can see that you don't stop thinking about her for one second. Oh, I can read your secret desires as though you are an open book. To see her for the last time, to hear her voice. No, I won't allow this worthless being to stand between us now. You don't belong to her any more. You are mine! And only I will be near you when you leave.

I am glad that you don't feel sorry for me any more. Your pity is even worse than hatred. Better hate me, my love, but I don't want your pity. If I can't have your love, I will enjoy your hatred.

The silver blade softly penetrates through your skin, deeply in to your muscles. As spasm runs through your body, you desperately try not to scream through clenched teeth. It is useless. You know it; I always get what I want. I want your pain. I want you to share with me a little of what you have doomed me to. I know it is incomparably weaker than my sensations, but just a little of it, only a little.

Oh, what an unexpected help! These two miserable beings will help us with pleasure. They want a live source. I will graciously give it to them. I will give you to them.

But what is it? A smile of relief and joy on your face? No! I won't give it to you! F ck off, you despicable creatures, it's enough of you! I won't allow them to give you release too quickly. I will erase this joy from your face. I need your suffering.

I am so tired. It is dark here, but both of us feel that it is not our time outside these walls now. Rest darling, I will sit and rest a little too. The whole of eternity is still ahead of us. A short eternity we will share with each other.

What the f ck? How could she get here? I thought that this insane King had already drunk her dry and her body had been torn to pieces by his faithful dogs. Just think, she as come to rescue you. It is so funny. Let me look, how will she put your unconscious body in to the sun. You may call his name, call him. He will not hear you … any more.

" Sookie…"

Your hoarse voice is hardly audible, almost unrecognizable. How it is even possible? What kind of power could pull you out from this oblivion? Love of the mortal? And how you speak this damned silly name... I never heard this in your voice when you called me by my name. Why? Why couldn't you fall in love with me so deeply? I have given you incommensurably more – your essence, the love and eternity. She is incapable of giving anything like that. She has nothing to offer you, she will simply take life away from you. It is her, not me.

I won't allow it to happen.

What a delicious thing this blood of hers. I didn't want to stop, and I will not stop now. And that is the reason. Everything is so simple! You love not her but her blood. You are no different to me.

Silver on my neck. It hurts so much. How dare you? How dare you cause even more pain to me? For the sake of rescuing this mortal being you have risen against me, your Maker. You crave my death. So be it. We are whole, as one. Your desires are my desires.

Let your mortal do it. Neither you nor she can understand. You both simply hate and are scared. And I do love and I laugh right in your faces. Both of you are narrow minded dumb creatures. I pity you.

If someone had offered me a choice, I would not have changed a thing. Let it be so now. There is no better joy than this, to meet the end in the embrace of the one you love. Even when these embraces burn down my body with silver; but your body, your soul, they are so close I can feel them, my blood feels you and you feel me.

You still have no idea that I could give you freedom. The true freedom. Now you will never be free from me. Never. I will be inside you till the last instance of your life and will not release you. Now you are mine forever.

I'm so sorry for you my love, you will be in such pain but this is what you want. Maybe later you will understand your mistake. I forgive you.

There ahead I see the sun. I thought I had already forgotten how beautiful it was. It caresses me more gently than your hands, my love. I hear someone calling me by name. Calling me like nobody ever called, as you never called. I open my hands to this call, I'm smiling.

I am in love. I am happy. I am free.


End file.
